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Opinion: Calling for (ridiculous) new celebration rules after USWNT's blowout win at Women's World Cup

Nancy Armour, USA TODAY | 14 Days

CLOSE SportsPulse: If you're complaining about the USWNT's dominance and exuberance in their historic beatdown of Thailand, then the World Cup isn't for you. USA TODAY

REIMS, France — In light of the U.S. women’s 13-0 rout of Thailand, and the spontaneous shows of emotion that some have equated to the coming of the apocalypse or deemed to be the first step in the ruination of society, FIFA's Task Force for Equity and Fairness has created new guidelines for celebrations.

Of course no such task force exists -- this is FIFA, after all. That will not stop the suggestions, as absurd as the complaints that prompted them, from being distributed to coaches, from Lil’ Kickers on up to national teams, and they will be adhered to at all games. Yes, even by Ronaldo.

- Goals are not to be acknowledged once there is an eight-goal advantage or sooner if the margin has reached such a point that there is a concern the opponents’ feelings might be hurt. This will be different for all teams, and coaches should be consulted before kickoff to determine his or her team’s emotional fragility.

- Personal milestones, such as a player’s first goal in a major tournament or a player tying a mark set nearly three decades ago by a titan of the sport, are not to be given any weight when determining whether a celebration is appropriate.

NO ISSUE HERE: Abby Wambach defends USA's 13 goals

RUNNING UP THE SCORE: Why it's OK that the U.S. women piled on

Alex Morgan, left, celebrates her fifth goal with forward Megan Rapinoe during the USWNT's 13-0 rout of Thailand on Tuesday. (Photo: Michael Chow, USA TODAY Sports)

- Any celebrations after a player’s first goal, or a team’s fifth, must be appropriately muted. Simple fist pumps or nods of the head are allowed, but mouths must stay closed and players on the bench must remain seated and stone-faced.

Hands raised above shoulder level and slides that travel more than 18 inches will result in an automatic red card, while arms in the air will be grounds for a permanent ban.

- Female players must not do anything that would indicate fierceness in nature or a competitive streak. They are to show deference to their opponents, and the good mores of society, at all times, even if it means disrupting their momentum or pretending they are not relishing their success and the result of their hard work.

- If the peanut gallery – people on the sidelines or watching remotely – are put off by any goal celebration, the offending player(s) and/or team will write a personal letter of apology. The coach of said player(s) and team will be required to undergo sensitivity training, and the lessons learned are to be communicated to the rest of the coaching staff before the next practice.

- If the degree of righteous indignation appears to stem from a difference in culture or country, a Canadian will be deemed the ultimate arbiter. In which case, the game will result in forfeiture and the offending players will be verbally flogged.

Unless said celebration was done in Kevin Durant’s direction or was in any way related to him. Then it will be deemed acceptable and Drake will appropriate it for a future video.

While FIFA cannot dictate what other organizations do, it is recommended similar guidelines be adopted for all other sports, as well. Bat flips, end zone celebrations, monster dunks by bench players late in the fourth quarter – they are offensive to the tender sensibilities of those watching and will corrupt young minds and, thus, must be avoided at all costs.

If society does not act and rein these distastefulness celebrations in, then it will be up to the players to police themselves. They will have to exact punishment if there are perceived breaches of decorum and respect, be it during the game or in future meetings.

In other words, the game will function exactly as it does now and always has. What a (faux) outrage!

Follow USA TODAY Sports columnist Nancy Armour on Twitter @nrarmour.

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